So yeah... that last post... total lie.
Mark is, unfortunately, not a real person. He's a creation of mine using a different email account to make another facebook account. Why? Because there was a game I played that not many others played and I needed to get stuff. So now with my new account I was capable of sending myself things when I needed it.
But then it spiraled out of control. Mark became my real boyfriend, and then with a collection of stories/compliments I had heard throughout the months he's personality was formed. It was funny; I enjoyed it.
Not many others did though... so... April fools, in December...
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
When life hits you... hard.
So funny story... There I was walking down the main sidewalk of Snow College just messing around on my phone when - BAM!! Next thing I knew I was on my back and there was a guy hovering over me asking if I was okay. Still confused on what had happened I responded with I was okay and he slowly helped me to my feet.
It was then I slowly started putting things together when I spotted a lone long board in the grass and randomly catching parts of the guys sentences. Already having a really bad day I turned to him and just... exploded...
"What the heck? Why did you hit me?"
"I tried to stop but I was going to fast!"
"You could have called out a warning!"
"You randomly cut into my path! If I didn't have time to slow down do you honestly think I could have said anything!"
"Well you should have been paying more attention!"
"I wasn't the one who was walking around with my nose in my phone!"
"Are you serious?! Are you really putting the blame on me?!"
"Of course I am! Pay attention to where you are walking!"
"What?! I'm not going to break open someones skull when I run into them while walking! I'm pretty sure that's all your doing!"
"I've have never hit anyone before! And you said you were fine!"
"Yeah well, I wasn't exactly aware of what happen!"
"AGH! Fine!" He suddenly grabs my arm, "This is my apology, accept it or not." Then after picking up his long board proceeded to drag me to the library.
Before I knew it I was firmly seated in a booth and then a three scoop bowl of triple chocolate ice cream was plunked in front of me. By then I had calmed down a lot and was actually rather embarrassed by what I had done.
"I'm sorry..."
"What?"
"I said, I'm sorry... it's been a rough week and I kind of took it out on you..."
"I figured as much. Don't worry about it though, no harm done."
We spoke for a while longer and I found out his name was Mark Leo Wolfe, and that he preferred going by Leo. He was two years older than me and was also a sophomore at Snow College. By the end of our conversation I walked away feeling much better and with a new number in my phone.
Now, even after everything that happened in the last two weeks, he has continued to text me and I find my life seeming to slowly lighten from the darkness I have been in. And then today we hung out at the badger den just talking and laughing like normal when he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Who knew right? When life hits you hard and floors you, someones got to help you get up on your feet. Mine this time just happened to be someone who could possibly change my life.
It was then I slowly started putting things together when I spotted a lone long board in the grass and randomly catching parts of the guys sentences. Already having a really bad day I turned to him and just... exploded...
"What the heck? Why did you hit me?"
"I tried to stop but I was going to fast!"
"You could have called out a warning!"
"You randomly cut into my path! If I didn't have time to slow down do you honestly think I could have said anything!"
"Well you should have been paying more attention!"
"I wasn't the one who was walking around with my nose in my phone!"
"Are you serious?! Are you really putting the blame on me?!"
"Of course I am! Pay attention to where you are walking!"
"What?! I'm not going to break open someones skull when I run into them while walking! I'm pretty sure that's all your doing!"
"I've have never hit anyone before! And you said you were fine!"
"Yeah well, I wasn't exactly aware of what happen!"
"AGH! Fine!" He suddenly grabs my arm, "This is my apology, accept it or not." Then after picking up his long board proceeded to drag me to the library.
Before I knew it I was firmly seated in a booth and then a three scoop bowl of triple chocolate ice cream was plunked in front of me. By then I had calmed down a lot and was actually rather embarrassed by what I had done.
"I'm sorry..."
"What?"
"I said, I'm sorry... it's been a rough week and I kind of took it out on you..."
"I figured as much. Don't worry about it though, no harm done."
We spoke for a while longer and I found out his name was Mark Leo Wolfe, and that he preferred going by Leo. He was two years older than me and was also a sophomore at Snow College. By the end of our conversation I walked away feeling much better and with a new number in my phone.
Now, even after everything that happened in the last two weeks, he has continued to text me and I find my life seeming to slowly lighten from the darkness I have been in. And then today we hung out at the badger den just talking and laughing like normal when he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Who knew right? When life hits you hard and floors you, someones got to help you get up on your feet. Mine this time just happened to be someone who could possibly change my life.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
When all you want... is More
A stronger want, a need, a desire for something. It is looking around your life and realizing it is not enough. What you hold in your hands, have placed about your room is just not satisfying. And it starts when you find that one thing in life that leaves you feeling different after an encounter; be it living or not. It effects the cervices deep inside, filling up small holes, and then slowly begins to poison you. You try to desperately substitute it with something else, something better, something you have, or can easily obtain... and for some time that might work...
But then it is not enough.
Like any real drug out there all you want is more of the same thing. No matter how you try it won't stop. People begin to act irrationally, all they want is to fulfill that craving, and all rational thought and reason is completely abandoned. It controls them... Even eventually the desire for more will consume and destroy the person no matter how strong they may have been.
This is what people see. It's all black, and has such an evil look about it. But in this world there are two sides to everything; a black and a white.
The desire for mare can cause the very same person to strive harder. They can pull the needed strength from this inferno to pull through and reach what they want. The feeling of wanting more social relationships can be very beautiful if controlled correctly.
You may have been through a point of life where everything was perfect socially: family, friends, and that one special person. But then that moment passes and it all goes back to it's normal ways. That's not what you want. It's not enough for you because you have tasted something so much better. It vibrates through every nerve in your body and is constantly lurking in the back of each thought. So when it becomes to much to bare you look for ways to return it to that time when it was perfect. It pushes you to reach for something better, stronger, purer than what you currently have. You can't live after that until you achieve your goal.
And when you succeed... oh the joy and bliss you live in. But it is not just you, it is all those around you. It reacts live a ripple and soon so many others are changing for the better.
This feeling that people call often call greed can be for the negative. But so can everything else... just like the love you may have for someone. There are very few things upon this Earth that are just black or just white. Most of them have a place in each side...
It's just how we, as mere humans, use them.
But then it is not enough.
Like any real drug out there all you want is more of the same thing. No matter how you try it won't stop. People begin to act irrationally, all they want is to fulfill that craving, and all rational thought and reason is completely abandoned. It controls them... Even eventually the desire for more will consume and destroy the person no matter how strong they may have been.
This is what people see. It's all black, and has such an evil look about it. But in this world there are two sides to everything; a black and a white.
The desire for mare can cause the very same person to strive harder. They can pull the needed strength from this inferno to pull through and reach what they want. The feeling of wanting more social relationships can be very beautiful if controlled correctly.
You may have been through a point of life where everything was perfect socially: family, friends, and that one special person. But then that moment passes and it all goes back to it's normal ways. That's not what you want. It's not enough for you because you have tasted something so much better. It vibrates through every nerve in your body and is constantly lurking in the back of each thought. So when it becomes to much to bare you look for ways to return it to that time when it was perfect. It pushes you to reach for something better, stronger, purer than what you currently have. You can't live after that until you achieve your goal.
And when you succeed... oh the joy and bliss you live in. But it is not just you, it is all those around you. It reacts live a ripple and soon so many others are changing for the better.
This feeling that people call often call greed can be for the negative. But so can everything else... just like the love you may have for someone. There are very few things upon this Earth that are just black or just white. Most of them have a place in each side...
It's just how we, as mere humans, use them.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Life Dance
Take a moment after you read this to stand at a window or even venture to the world outside. Don't take in the human made surroundings and in order to remain polite speak to someone (if but a brief "Hello") and lookup... Can you see the trees?...
Good...
Now actually look at them. Look at them as if it was the first time you have ever seen them. Look at them like a young child would. Do they change for you? If not that's alright, maybe practice is just needed; like learning how to swim or sing.
But for me the change is like black and white. Their colors become more vibrant and the seem to pose under the careful consideration. The wind hums through the maze of branches while the leaves dance before the sun. Their shadows play games on the ground, flickering back and forth.
It becomes another world and I am nothing but a stranger than. I stand beneath a majestic creation. One that reaches towards the heavens but at the same times seems to notice me on the ground below. It puts on a play for me. The entire form seems intent on doing it's best to preform for me in those few seconds that I am in their world. And then the finale comes.
A breeze much stronger than before flows through the branches again, but this time slowly pulling the leaves from their home. They free-fall down in great swooping spirals and then come to a rest on the cooling floor. Here is the final rest for the dancers, and they all will come to the same fate. Laying still on the ground till a white blanket comes to cover them and then they return to the very earth to nourish the tree they were born from.
It is beautiful... a sight to behold, truly. One that no matter how many pictures you take could never bring the same amount of awe as the real thing...
But... not this night...
No, tonight the sky is dark and a cold wind mercilessly tears the colorful leaves from their branches. They twirl down in a vibrant shower that holds a sad beauty. Their life dance, cut short in such a tragic end.
But it doesn't end there...
Clouds, much darker, drag their forms along the mountain ridge. In an angry retaliation to the beauty they blur and hide the patch-work art this season has given us. Then beneath their cold corpses, where our watchful eyes cannot see, they begin to lay waste to a beautiful land...
So many trees will be stripped bare of their colors, and soon... they will slip into a deep sleep; blanketed in the same white. They will remain asleep to await the warm caress of Spring and awaken and once more begin their life dance.
Good...
Now actually look at them. Look at them as if it was the first time you have ever seen them. Look at them like a young child would. Do they change for you? If not that's alright, maybe practice is just needed; like learning how to swim or sing.
But for me the change is like black and white. Their colors become more vibrant and the seem to pose under the careful consideration. The wind hums through the maze of branches while the leaves dance before the sun. Their shadows play games on the ground, flickering back and forth.
It becomes another world and I am nothing but a stranger than. I stand beneath a majestic creation. One that reaches towards the heavens but at the same times seems to notice me on the ground below. It puts on a play for me. The entire form seems intent on doing it's best to preform for me in those few seconds that I am in their world. And then the finale comes.
A breeze much stronger than before flows through the branches again, but this time slowly pulling the leaves from their home. They free-fall down in great swooping spirals and then come to a rest on the cooling floor. Here is the final rest for the dancers, and they all will come to the same fate. Laying still on the ground till a white blanket comes to cover them and then they return to the very earth to nourish the tree they were born from.
It is beautiful... a sight to behold, truly. One that no matter how many pictures you take could never bring the same amount of awe as the real thing...
But... not this night...
No, tonight the sky is dark and a cold wind mercilessly tears the colorful leaves from their branches. They twirl down in a vibrant shower that holds a sad beauty. Their life dance, cut short in such a tragic end.
But it doesn't end there...
Clouds, much darker, drag their forms along the mountain ridge. In an angry retaliation to the beauty they blur and hide the patch-work art this season has given us. Then beneath their cold corpses, where our watchful eyes cannot see, they begin to lay waste to a beautiful land...
So many trees will be stripped bare of their colors, and soon... they will slip into a deep sleep; blanketed in the same white. They will remain asleep to await the warm caress of Spring and awaken and once more begin their life dance.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Reading Between the Lines
I added another word to my "I hate hearing this" collection. It's not that big yet, probably just under ten, but every year it seems to grow...
I'm not going to say what the word is because there are probably a couple people who used it on me.
Now I know they don't mean anything when they do it... but still.
That's what everyone around says and it's the last thing you want to be makes hard to be happy hearing it.
It's the exact opposite of what I want to be to tell you the truth.
Many people try to spin it into a positive light, trying not to offend me but it still fails.
I will laugh and agree with it but inside...
Damaging, destroying, breaking... Like taking a hammer to my heart every time it is said.
Always smiling through the pain.
They wouldn't understand my pain from hearing that one word, because it is such a simple.
It wasn't always that way...
No, I once heard it as a compliment; I was proud when I heard people say it.
Great pride then, but now it hurts.
Even a word of similar nature and I feel it take another hit. But I just keep smiling and laughing through it. After all it is what I wanted right?
I'm not going to say what the word is because there are probably a couple people who used it on me.
Now I know they don't mean anything when they do it... but still.
That's what everyone around says and it's the last thing you want to be makes hard to be happy hearing it.
It's the exact opposite of what I want to be to tell you the truth.
Many people try to spin it into a positive light, trying not to offend me but it still fails.
I will laugh and agree with it but inside...
Damaging, destroying, breaking... Like taking a hammer to my heart every time it is said.
Always smiling through the pain.
They wouldn't understand my pain from hearing that one word, because it is such a simple.
It wasn't always that way...
No, I once heard it as a compliment; I was proud when I heard people say it.
Great pride then, but now it hurts.
Even a word of similar nature and I feel it take another hit. But I just keep smiling and laughing through it. After all it is what I wanted right?
Monday, October 10, 2011
2 Samuel 11:1-5
I came to the sad realization today in my institute class. King David and I are very similar in our sins. I've heard this story so many times before but it was just today that it hit me so hard. We are not the same, mind you, but still, how we lost our way is so...
Here let me show you.
In these versus his "mistakes" work like this:
1. Not in the right place at the right time - He was in Jerusalem instead of on the battle field, not that he had to be but it probably would have been better if that was where he was.
2. He was walking around on the roof at night - Sure I know it's not that big of a deal and we don't know the reasons why he was out that night but had he been sleeping there would be no problem.
3. Sees the woman - This also could possibly not be that big of a deal because he could have look away, it's the next part that becomes the main sin
4. Inquired after her - Had he had just left it alone there would be no lesson to really learn there beside the fact that there was temptation and he did not fall for it, however that is not the case because he allowed his curiosity to get the better of him.
5. Adultery - He could have repented here, it wouldn't have been easy but he still could have.
6. Murder - His repentance could no long truly come to pass because you can never bring someone back to life after this.
Now here are my "mistakes":
1. I was in my brothers room - This itself wasn't that bad of a decision as I was play a game, that he allowed me to play, that was currently only on his computer.
2. I wondered through his files while waiting for something - I start with my mistakes here. I should have left his privacy alone. Even if I was bored I had no right to be going through his stuff.
3. I saw something that I shouldn't have - This itself also isn't a bad thing because much to the despair and horror of many others it happens more often then anyone would like it too.
4. I became curious and looked for more of it - This is my deepest regret...
Thankfully that is where I am at... and thankfully I still very much have a chance at repenting and finding myself free of this. King David, I am forever grateful for the example you have set and now the major impact it will have in my life.
Thank you.
Here let me show you.
In these versus his "mistakes" work like this:
1. Not in the right place at the right time - He was in Jerusalem instead of on the battle field, not that he had to be but it probably would have been better if that was where he was.
2. He was walking around on the roof at night - Sure I know it's not that big of a deal and we don't know the reasons why he was out that night but had he been sleeping there would be no problem.
3. Sees the woman - This also could possibly not be that big of a deal because he could have look away, it's the next part that becomes the main sin
4. Inquired after her - Had he had just left it alone there would be no lesson to really learn there beside the fact that there was temptation and he did not fall for it, however that is not the case because he allowed his curiosity to get the better of him.
5. Adultery - He could have repented here, it wouldn't have been easy but he still could have.
6. Murder - His repentance could no long truly come to pass because you can never bring someone back to life after this.
Now here are my "mistakes":
1. I was in my brothers room - This itself wasn't that bad of a decision as I was play a game, that he allowed me to play, that was currently only on his computer.
2. I wondered through his files while waiting for something - I start with my mistakes here. I should have left his privacy alone. Even if I was bored I had no right to be going through his stuff.
3. I saw something that I shouldn't have - This itself also isn't a bad thing because much to the despair and horror of many others it happens more often then anyone would like it too.
4. I became curious and looked for more of it - This is my deepest regret...
Thankfully that is where I am at... and thankfully I still very much have a chance at repenting and finding myself free of this. King David, I am forever grateful for the example you have set and now the major impact it will have in my life.
Thank you.
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