Take a pop bottle and shake it; shake it for a good couple minutes. What happens to the bottle? Becomes tense, almost as if it is completely full right? If you were to continue to shake it, it'll just remain tense. If you were to pop off the top, you know what would happen. Everything inside explodes out to release the pressure.
However, lets just say you don't have to take the lid off for it to explode...
So here is this random kid shaking this unopened pop bottle. It tense up and when the pressure just become to great... it explodes. The soda gets every where, hitting all the objects around it, and then just foams down the side of the bottle. Everything becomes "damaged" from that explosion, even the bottle itself.
Then when everything is settled the lid goes back on and somehow more liquid appears into the bottle as if it did not just explode. Then that little kid grabs the bottle once more, and the shaking continues.
Now lets take that description and replace a few things...
Bottle = Me Kid = Life
Liquid = Emotions Shaking = Trials/Stress/Lack of Change
This is how I work. My emotions are basically the same as life continues to "shake" me. However, when I come close to the explosion, I can feel it. The boring days are suddenly harder to just live and I know it wont be long. So I push away from those around me to avoid accidentally lashing out and hurting them. Then it happens...
A huge wave of pent up emotions, thoughts, and feelings crash down on me in an instant and I am dragged down beneath the vicious current. All I can do during these moments is hope and pray that it will soon end. It is during these moments that I am in my solitude and I scream, cry, and on rare occasions become violent to objects around me.
I never know how long these explosions will last... but when the torrent finally calms, I drag myself out from underneath, exhausted and weak, and begin to pick up the shattered pieces of my carefully built world. The entire time I hurt mentally and physically and even at times I remain where I am trembling uncontrollably as the wave vanishes.
The liquid in the pop bottle finally settles and the lid goes back on. Then once again that same kid picks up the bottle and the begins to shake it once more.
There is no real rest, no real break, from it. The only time I have to heal and relax is when the bottle lid goes back on and the shaking starts again. Pressure, release, pressure, release. It's a cruel circle that I have found myself trapped in.
But this is what happened that night, maybe a year ago... it's what happened just a couple weeks ago, it happens even now. But the only difference for that night was I was under the wave for far to long, and it didn't seem like it was going to end any time soon, so I panicked. And that moment of panic threw my world into a different spectrum that I never thought I would see it in.
My life isn't what you think it is... it isn't all that great at times. I don't always want to smile and be happy. It's not that easily fixed because it's been going on for years. I don't like how I am living but it is how I have lived.
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