You put your whole-self in and you shake it all about

Take a pop bottle and shake it; shake it for a good couple minutes. What happens to the bottle? Becomes tense, almost as if it is completely full right? If you were to continue to shake it, it'll just remain tense. If you were to pop off the top, you know what would happen. Everything inside explodes out to release the pressure.

However, lets just say you don't have to take the lid off for it to explode...

So here is this random kid shaking this unopened pop bottle. It tense up and when the pressure just become to great... it explodes. The soda gets every where, hitting all the objects around it, and then just foams down the side of the bottle. Everything becomes "damaged" from that explosion, even the bottle itself.

Then when everything is settled the lid goes back on and somehow more liquid appears into the bottle as if it did not just explode. Then that little kid grabs the bottle once more, and the shaking continues.

Now lets take that description and replace a few things...

Bottle = Me                                                               Kid = Life
Liquid = Emotions                                                   Shaking = Trials/Stress/Lack of Change

This is how I work. My emotions are basically the same as life continues to "shake" me. However, when I come close to the explosion, I can feel it. The boring days are suddenly harder to just live and I know it wont be long. So I push away from those around me to avoid accidentally lashing out and hurting them. Then it happens...

A huge wave of pent up emotions, thoughts, and feelings crash down on me in an instant and I am dragged down beneath the vicious current. All I can do during these moments is hope and pray that it will soon end. It is during these moments that I am in my solitude and I scream, cry, and on rare occasions become violent to objects around me.

I never know how long these explosions will last... but when the torrent finally calms, I drag myself out from underneath, exhausted and weak, and begin to pick up the shattered pieces of my carefully built world. The entire time I hurt mentally and physically and even at times I remain where I am trembling uncontrollably as the wave vanishes.

The liquid in the pop bottle finally settles and the lid goes back on. Then once again that same kid picks up the bottle and the begins to shake it once more.

There is no real rest, no real break, from it. The only time I have to heal and relax is when the bottle lid goes back on and the shaking starts again. Pressure, release, pressure, release. It's a cruel circle that I have found myself trapped in.

But this is what happened that night, maybe a year ago... it's what happened just a couple weeks ago, it happens even now. But the only difference for that night was I was under the wave for far to long, and it didn't seem like it was going to end any time soon, so I panicked. And that moment of panic threw my world into a different spectrum that I never thought I would see it in.

My life isn't what you think it is... it isn't all that great at times. I don't always want to smile and be happy. It's not that easily fixed because it's been going on for years. I don't like how I am living but it is how I have lived.

When You're Too Tired to Sleep...

My body's been screaming at me all day, but I knew that if I took a nap that I wouldn't sleep tonight... So I didn't. However to get back at me, I am no longer tired; or maybe is more of I don't want to go to sleep. Going to sleep means that this day is ending (not that it isn't over already) and that means life is going to continue tomorrow whether I like it or not. Going to sleep is like finally surrendering the fight of the day, just to continue the war tomorrow.

But I am so tired of it all... I am so tired that I don't want to sleep, I don't want to continue with life tomorrow. I just want to be done, or even just to hit the pause button and turn off the TV for a couple hours. Some of you might even consider that to be what sleeping is but when you're afraid to sleep... when your dreams have resurfaced something that you thought you finally let go of, it's hard to return to that place.

But it is even harder to want to come back out of it when you find yourself happier there then in any other situation. Perhaps it's the simplicity of the things; being able to breathe under water just because you can, picking up a sword and knowing how to fight, falling in love, and being love. Maybe it's what people say it is and your heart or soul is speaking out to you to try to get you to understand... If that's the case then I really need to look into my week long dream expedition through a zombie infested city.

When you wake up in tears, however, wanting nothing more then just to slip back into that beautiful world then to continue on in this one... surely there is a problem. Surely there is something wrong when you sit on your bedside and tears prick at your eyes as the thought of laying down and giving into your exhaustion terrifies you. Surely there is something wrong with wishing, when you do give in, that your eyes wont open up again, that you'll finally sleep peacefully. But it's not like that all the time...

I love to sleep. I love to slip under my covers and drift off into a new adventure. I love to close my eyes and pretend that I am not where I am or my a task list for the next day that I know I wont finish. I love to feel like I am doing nothing but existing...

But when you're sitting in this chair and your body is still screaming that it wants to sleep but that's the last thing you want to do; you start to wonder. After all is there a point when you're just too tired to sleep that everything just stops?

To Whom it May Concern

Why are you so far from me?
                                             In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
                                                    I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you................But I haven't met you........... Oh but I want to -
                                                                                                         - How I do.
Slowly counting down the days,
                                               Till I finally know your name.
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist,
                                                                    The way you laugh,
                                                                                                The way your kisses taste.
I missed you.............But I haven't met you............Oh but I want to -
                                                                                                      - How I do, How I do.
I've missed you............But I haven't met you.
Oh I missed you..............I haven't met you.
                                                                 Oh but I want to, Oh how I want to........
Dear whoever you might be,
                                           I'm still waiting patiently.

The Natural Habit isn't so Natural

You hear it all the time. It becomes such a natural habit that no real thought is put into it, your body just does it. Yeah... well it's not that way for everyone. Perhaps it's just me, but more often than not I find myself lacking the air efficient for a body to function. I find that even at times holding a conversation and walking leaves me breathless and tired.
                               It gets even better... 
Because I have caught myself multiple times not breathing. I'm not holding my breath per say; I've just stopped. During church, sitting at the computer, or even dancing, I just wont breathe. In order to keep from passing out I almost have to pay special attention to my breathing. But then isn't then becoming something other than a "natural habit"? I shouldn't have to put so much focus on remembering to inhale and exhale.

Perhaps it's nothing and I really don't know my body. Maybe it's a lot more serious then I thought and things can only get worse. I don't know but hopefully I will find out soon. Because when a natural habit isn't so natural that's not a good thing.

playing with fire while looking for that fish

I shouldn't be allowed to pick my own guys. Because for one I end up pushing them away as some evil voice in my head says I am not worth it, and two it's just no fun when they are all goody-goody. It would be so pathetic to watch myself in this game. Is it that difficult for me to understand that I can't just let this go. We can't just "stay friends" and I don't want to hurt anyone...

But all it takes is that little touch, sending me that small look. It just takes letting me know that for one second I was all that mattered. Maybe I have just a small amount of control and then...

You touch me...

I'm slipping and I want more... Stop touching me. Because one time I wont be able to control myself.

Wasting the Time I'm Ungrateful For

Perhaps it's not just the desire to slowly pass away the extra time I have but something else. It could be the urge to be heard but not having to speak, or to compose a small entry without taking up space and feeling compelled to fill it.

But whatever it is there have been many times during my days that I have wished so dearly to have my journal and pen but then I realize that I don't have enough thought to write even a full page... And I can't do that. So I spend the rest of the day with whatever I was thinking racing around my head. It slowly drags me down into a mellow and often sad area of my life that I hate returning to.

Maybe with this I can free myself of those circling thoughts and remain standing on a brighter side of life. But don't expect much. I know for a fact that they will be random, in topic and in post date. My first blog was not a success, so I will struggle finding a rhythm in which I can write at an even pace.

Maybe I am talking to no one, maybe there is someone listening.

Maybe this is just wasting the time I'm ungrateful for...