A stronger want, a need, a desire for something. It is looking around your life and realizing it is not enough. What you hold in your hands, have placed about your room is just not satisfying. And it starts when you find that one thing in life that leaves you feeling different after an encounter; be it living or not. It effects the cervices deep inside, filling up small holes, and then slowly begins to poison you. You try to desperately substitute it with something else, something better, something you have, or can easily obtain... and for some time that might work...
But then it is not enough.
Like any real drug out there all you want is more of the same thing. No matter how you try it won't stop. People begin to act irrationally, all they want is to fulfill that craving, and all rational thought and reason is completely abandoned. It controls them... Even eventually the desire for more will consume and destroy the person no matter how strong they may have been.
This is what people see. It's all black, and has such an evil look about it. But in this world there are two sides to everything; a black and a white.
The desire for mare can cause the very same person to strive harder. They can pull the needed strength from this inferno to pull through and reach what they want. The feeling of wanting more social relationships can be very beautiful if controlled correctly.
You may have been through a point of life where everything was perfect socially: family, friends, and that one special person. But then that moment passes and it all goes back to it's normal ways. That's not what you want. It's not enough for you because you have tasted something so much better. It vibrates through every nerve in your body and is constantly lurking in the back of each thought. So when it becomes to much to bare you look for ways to return it to that time when it was perfect. It pushes you to reach for something better, stronger, purer than what you currently have. You can't live after that until you achieve your goal.
And when you succeed... oh the joy and bliss you live in. But it is not just you, it is all those around you. It reacts live a ripple and soon so many others are changing for the better.
This feeling that people call often call greed can be for the negative. But so can everything else... just like the love you may have for someone. There are very few things upon this Earth that are just black or just white. Most of them have a place in each side...
It's just how we, as mere humans, use them.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Life Dance
Take a moment after you read this to stand at a window or even venture to the world outside. Don't take in the human made surroundings and in order to remain polite speak to someone (if but a brief "Hello") and lookup... Can you see the trees?...
Good...
Now actually look at them. Look at them as if it was the first time you have ever seen them. Look at them like a young child would. Do they change for you? If not that's alright, maybe practice is just needed; like learning how to swim or sing.
But for me the change is like black and white. Their colors become more vibrant and the seem to pose under the careful consideration. The wind hums through the maze of branches while the leaves dance before the sun. Their shadows play games on the ground, flickering back and forth.
It becomes another world and I am nothing but a stranger than. I stand beneath a majestic creation. One that reaches towards the heavens but at the same times seems to notice me on the ground below. It puts on a play for me. The entire form seems intent on doing it's best to preform for me in those few seconds that I am in their world. And then the finale comes.
A breeze much stronger than before flows through the branches again, but this time slowly pulling the leaves from their home. They free-fall down in great swooping spirals and then come to a rest on the cooling floor. Here is the final rest for the dancers, and they all will come to the same fate. Laying still on the ground till a white blanket comes to cover them and then they return to the very earth to nourish the tree they were born from.
It is beautiful... a sight to behold, truly. One that no matter how many pictures you take could never bring the same amount of awe as the real thing...
But... not this night...
No, tonight the sky is dark and a cold wind mercilessly tears the colorful leaves from their branches. They twirl down in a vibrant shower that holds a sad beauty. Their life dance, cut short in such a tragic end.
But it doesn't end there...
Clouds, much darker, drag their forms along the mountain ridge. In an angry retaliation to the beauty they blur and hide the patch-work art this season has given us. Then beneath their cold corpses, where our watchful eyes cannot see, they begin to lay waste to a beautiful land...
So many trees will be stripped bare of their colors, and soon... they will slip into a deep sleep; blanketed in the same white. They will remain asleep to await the warm caress of Spring and awaken and once more begin their life dance.
Good...
Now actually look at them. Look at them as if it was the first time you have ever seen them. Look at them like a young child would. Do they change for you? If not that's alright, maybe practice is just needed; like learning how to swim or sing.
But for me the change is like black and white. Their colors become more vibrant and the seem to pose under the careful consideration. The wind hums through the maze of branches while the leaves dance before the sun. Their shadows play games on the ground, flickering back and forth.
It becomes another world and I am nothing but a stranger than. I stand beneath a majestic creation. One that reaches towards the heavens but at the same times seems to notice me on the ground below. It puts on a play for me. The entire form seems intent on doing it's best to preform for me in those few seconds that I am in their world. And then the finale comes.
A breeze much stronger than before flows through the branches again, but this time slowly pulling the leaves from their home. They free-fall down in great swooping spirals and then come to a rest on the cooling floor. Here is the final rest for the dancers, and they all will come to the same fate. Laying still on the ground till a white blanket comes to cover them and then they return to the very earth to nourish the tree they were born from.
It is beautiful... a sight to behold, truly. One that no matter how many pictures you take could never bring the same amount of awe as the real thing...
But... not this night...
No, tonight the sky is dark and a cold wind mercilessly tears the colorful leaves from their branches. They twirl down in a vibrant shower that holds a sad beauty. Their life dance, cut short in such a tragic end.
But it doesn't end there...
Clouds, much darker, drag their forms along the mountain ridge. In an angry retaliation to the beauty they blur and hide the patch-work art this season has given us. Then beneath their cold corpses, where our watchful eyes cannot see, they begin to lay waste to a beautiful land...
So many trees will be stripped bare of their colors, and soon... they will slip into a deep sleep; blanketed in the same white. They will remain asleep to await the warm caress of Spring and awaken and once more begin their life dance.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Reading Between the Lines
I added another word to my "I hate hearing this" collection. It's not that big yet, probably just under ten, but every year it seems to grow...
I'm not going to say what the word is because there are probably a couple people who used it on me.
Now I know they don't mean anything when they do it... but still.
That's what everyone around says and it's the last thing you want to be makes hard to be happy hearing it.
It's the exact opposite of what I want to be to tell you the truth.
Many people try to spin it into a positive light, trying not to offend me but it still fails.
I will laugh and agree with it but inside...
Damaging, destroying, breaking... Like taking a hammer to my heart every time it is said.
Always smiling through the pain.
They wouldn't understand my pain from hearing that one word, because it is such a simple.
It wasn't always that way...
No, I once heard it as a compliment; I was proud when I heard people say it.
Great pride then, but now it hurts.
Even a word of similar nature and I feel it take another hit. But I just keep smiling and laughing through it. After all it is what I wanted right?
I'm not going to say what the word is because there are probably a couple people who used it on me.
Now I know they don't mean anything when they do it... but still.
That's what everyone around says and it's the last thing you want to be makes hard to be happy hearing it.
It's the exact opposite of what I want to be to tell you the truth.
Many people try to spin it into a positive light, trying not to offend me but it still fails.
I will laugh and agree with it but inside...
Damaging, destroying, breaking... Like taking a hammer to my heart every time it is said.
Always smiling through the pain.
They wouldn't understand my pain from hearing that one word, because it is such a simple.
It wasn't always that way...
No, I once heard it as a compliment; I was proud when I heard people say it.
Great pride then, but now it hurts.
Even a word of similar nature and I feel it take another hit. But I just keep smiling and laughing through it. After all it is what I wanted right?
Monday, October 10, 2011
2 Samuel 11:1-5
I came to the sad realization today in my institute class. King David and I are very similar in our sins. I've heard this story so many times before but it was just today that it hit me so hard. We are not the same, mind you, but still, how we lost our way is so...
Here let me show you.
In these versus his "mistakes" work like this:
1. Not in the right place at the right time - He was in Jerusalem instead of on the battle field, not that he had to be but it probably would have been better if that was where he was.
2. He was walking around on the roof at night - Sure I know it's not that big of a deal and we don't know the reasons why he was out that night but had he been sleeping there would be no problem.
3. Sees the woman - This also could possibly not be that big of a deal because he could have look away, it's the next part that becomes the main sin
4. Inquired after her - Had he had just left it alone there would be no lesson to really learn there beside the fact that there was temptation and he did not fall for it, however that is not the case because he allowed his curiosity to get the better of him.
5. Adultery - He could have repented here, it wouldn't have been easy but he still could have.
6. Murder - His repentance could no long truly come to pass because you can never bring someone back to life after this.
Now here are my "mistakes":
1. I was in my brothers room - This itself wasn't that bad of a decision as I was play a game, that he allowed me to play, that was currently only on his computer.
2. I wondered through his files while waiting for something - I start with my mistakes here. I should have left his privacy alone. Even if I was bored I had no right to be going through his stuff.
3. I saw something that I shouldn't have - This itself also isn't a bad thing because much to the despair and horror of many others it happens more often then anyone would like it too.
4. I became curious and looked for more of it - This is my deepest regret...
Thankfully that is where I am at... and thankfully I still very much have a chance at repenting and finding myself free of this. King David, I am forever grateful for the example you have set and now the major impact it will have in my life.
Thank you.
Here let me show you.
In these versus his "mistakes" work like this:
1. Not in the right place at the right time - He was in Jerusalem instead of on the battle field, not that he had to be but it probably would have been better if that was where he was.
2. He was walking around on the roof at night - Sure I know it's not that big of a deal and we don't know the reasons why he was out that night but had he been sleeping there would be no problem.
3. Sees the woman - This also could possibly not be that big of a deal because he could have look away, it's the next part that becomes the main sin
4. Inquired after her - Had he had just left it alone there would be no lesson to really learn there beside the fact that there was temptation and he did not fall for it, however that is not the case because he allowed his curiosity to get the better of him.
5. Adultery - He could have repented here, it wouldn't have been easy but he still could have.
6. Murder - His repentance could no long truly come to pass because you can never bring someone back to life after this.
Now here are my "mistakes":
1. I was in my brothers room - This itself wasn't that bad of a decision as I was play a game, that he allowed me to play, that was currently only on his computer.
2. I wondered through his files while waiting for something - I start with my mistakes here. I should have left his privacy alone. Even if I was bored I had no right to be going through his stuff.
3. I saw something that I shouldn't have - This itself also isn't a bad thing because much to the despair and horror of many others it happens more often then anyone would like it too.
4. I became curious and looked for more of it - This is my deepest regret...
Thankfully that is where I am at... and thankfully I still very much have a chance at repenting and finding myself free of this. King David, I am forever grateful for the example you have set and now the major impact it will have in my life.
Thank you.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
You put your whole-self in and you shake it all about
Take a pop bottle and shake it; shake it for a good couple minutes. What happens to the bottle? Becomes tense, almost as if it is completely full right? If you were to continue to shake it, it'll just remain tense. If you were to pop off the top, you know what would happen. Everything inside explodes out to release the pressure.
However, lets just say you don't have to take the lid off for it to explode...
So here is this random kid shaking this unopened pop bottle. It tense up and when the pressure just become to great... it explodes. The soda gets every where, hitting all the objects around it, and then just foams down the side of the bottle. Everything becomes "damaged" from that explosion, even the bottle itself.
Then when everything is settled the lid goes back on and somehow more liquid appears into the bottle as if it did not just explode. Then that little kid grabs the bottle once more, and the shaking continues.
Now lets take that description and replace a few things...
Bottle = Me Kid = Life
Liquid = Emotions Shaking = Trials/Stress/Lack of Change
This is how I work. My emotions are basically the same as life continues to "shake" me. However, when I come close to the explosion, I can feel it. The boring days are suddenly harder to just live and I know it wont be long. So I push away from those around me to avoid accidentally lashing out and hurting them. Then it happens...
A huge wave of pent up emotions, thoughts, and feelings crash down on me in an instant and I am dragged down beneath the vicious current. All I can do during these moments is hope and pray that it will soon end. It is during these moments that I am in my solitude and I scream, cry, and on rare occasions become violent to objects around me.
I never know how long these explosions will last... but when the torrent finally calms, I drag myself out from underneath, exhausted and weak, and begin to pick up the shattered pieces of my carefully built world. The entire time I hurt mentally and physically and even at times I remain where I am trembling uncontrollably as the wave vanishes.
The liquid in the pop bottle finally settles and the lid goes back on. Then once again that same kid picks up the bottle and the begins to shake it once more.
There is no real rest, no real break, from it. The only time I have to heal and relax is when the bottle lid goes back on and the shaking starts again. Pressure, release, pressure, release. It's a cruel circle that I have found myself trapped in.
But this is what happened that night, maybe a year ago... it's what happened just a couple weeks ago, it happens even now. But the only difference for that night was I was under the wave for far to long, and it didn't seem like it was going to end any time soon, so I panicked. And that moment of panic threw my world into a different spectrum that I never thought I would see it in.
My life isn't what you think it is... it isn't all that great at times. I don't always want to smile and be happy. It's not that easily fixed because it's been going on for years. I don't like how I am living but it is how I have lived.
However, lets just say you don't have to take the lid off for it to explode...
So here is this random kid shaking this unopened pop bottle. It tense up and when the pressure just become to great... it explodes. The soda gets every where, hitting all the objects around it, and then just foams down the side of the bottle. Everything becomes "damaged" from that explosion, even the bottle itself.
Then when everything is settled the lid goes back on and somehow more liquid appears into the bottle as if it did not just explode. Then that little kid grabs the bottle once more, and the shaking continues.
Now lets take that description and replace a few things...
Bottle = Me Kid = Life
Liquid = Emotions Shaking = Trials/Stress/Lack of Change
This is how I work. My emotions are basically the same as life continues to "shake" me. However, when I come close to the explosion, I can feel it. The boring days are suddenly harder to just live and I know it wont be long. So I push away from those around me to avoid accidentally lashing out and hurting them. Then it happens...
A huge wave of pent up emotions, thoughts, and feelings crash down on me in an instant and I am dragged down beneath the vicious current. All I can do during these moments is hope and pray that it will soon end. It is during these moments that I am in my solitude and I scream, cry, and on rare occasions become violent to objects around me.
I never know how long these explosions will last... but when the torrent finally calms, I drag myself out from underneath, exhausted and weak, and begin to pick up the shattered pieces of my carefully built world. The entire time I hurt mentally and physically and even at times I remain where I am trembling uncontrollably as the wave vanishes.
The liquid in the pop bottle finally settles and the lid goes back on. Then once again that same kid picks up the bottle and the begins to shake it once more.
There is no real rest, no real break, from it. The only time I have to heal and relax is when the bottle lid goes back on and the shaking starts again. Pressure, release, pressure, release. It's a cruel circle that I have found myself trapped in.
But this is what happened that night, maybe a year ago... it's what happened just a couple weeks ago, it happens even now. But the only difference for that night was I was under the wave for far to long, and it didn't seem like it was going to end any time soon, so I panicked. And that moment of panic threw my world into a different spectrum that I never thought I would see it in.
My life isn't what you think it is... it isn't all that great at times. I don't always want to smile and be happy. It's not that easily fixed because it's been going on for years. I don't like how I am living but it is how I have lived.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
When You're Too Tired to Sleep...
My body's been screaming at me all day, but I knew that if I took a nap that I wouldn't sleep tonight... So I didn't. However to get back at me, I am no longer tired; or maybe is more of I don't want to go to sleep. Going to sleep means that this day is ending (not that it isn't over already) and that means life is going to continue tomorrow whether I like it or not. Going to sleep is like finally surrendering the fight of the day, just to continue the war tomorrow.
But I am so tired of it all... I am so tired that I don't want to sleep, I don't want to continue with life tomorrow. I just want to be done, or even just to hit the pause button and turn off the TV for a couple hours. Some of you might even consider that to be what sleeping is but when you're afraid to sleep... when your dreams have resurfaced something that you thought you finally let go of, it's hard to return to that place.
But it is even harder to want to come back out of it when you find yourself happier there then in any other situation. Perhaps it's the simplicity of the things; being able to breathe under water just because you can, picking up a sword and knowing how to fight, falling in love, and being love. Maybe it's what people say it is and your heart or soul is speaking out to you to try to get you to understand... If that's the case then I really need to look into my week long dream expedition through a zombie infested city.
When you wake up in tears, however, wanting nothing more then just to slip back into that beautiful world then to continue on in this one... surely there is a problem. Surely there is something wrong when you sit on your bedside and tears prick at your eyes as the thought of laying down and giving into your exhaustion terrifies you. Surely there is something wrong with wishing, when you do give in, that your eyes wont open up again, that you'll finally sleep peacefully. But it's not like that all the time...
I love to sleep. I love to slip under my covers and drift off into a new adventure. I love to close my eyes and pretend that I am not where I am or my a task list for the next day that I know I wont finish. I love to feel like I am doing nothing but existing...
But when you're sitting in this chair and your body is still screaming that it wants to sleep but that's the last thing you want to do; you start to wonder. After all is there a point when you're just too tired to sleep that everything just stops?
But I am so tired of it all... I am so tired that I don't want to sleep, I don't want to continue with life tomorrow. I just want to be done, or even just to hit the pause button and turn off the TV for a couple hours. Some of you might even consider that to be what sleeping is but when you're afraid to sleep... when your dreams have resurfaced something that you thought you finally let go of, it's hard to return to that place.
But it is even harder to want to come back out of it when you find yourself happier there then in any other situation. Perhaps it's the simplicity of the things; being able to breathe under water just because you can, picking up a sword and knowing how to fight, falling in love, and being love. Maybe it's what people say it is and your heart or soul is speaking out to you to try to get you to understand... If that's the case then I really need to look into my week long dream expedition through a zombie infested city.
When you wake up in tears, however, wanting nothing more then just to slip back into that beautiful world then to continue on in this one... surely there is a problem. Surely there is something wrong when you sit on your bedside and tears prick at your eyes as the thought of laying down and giving into your exhaustion terrifies you. Surely there is something wrong with wishing, when you do give in, that your eyes wont open up again, that you'll finally sleep peacefully. But it's not like that all the time...
I love to sleep. I love to slip under my covers and drift off into a new adventure. I love to close my eyes and pretend that I am not where I am or my a task list for the next day that I know I wont finish. I love to feel like I am doing nothing but existing...
But when you're sitting in this chair and your body is still screaming that it wants to sleep but that's the last thing you want to do; you start to wonder. After all is there a point when you're just too tired to sleep that everything just stops?
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